If You Give Your Dwarves a Mountain
by AMMO121
Summary: If you give your dwarves a mountain... A parody of 'If you give a mouse a cookie' but with dwarves! And their hobbit.


_A/N: I started this last December and then just kind of forgot about it, tpasta few weeks ago that is! _

_A million thanks to my betas! A round of applause for Asian-Inkwell, CompYES, and Paninya! Thanks a million guys!_

_Hope you enjoy! Drop me a review, they give me strength! ^^_

* * *

_If you give your dwarves a mountain, they'll want to show you all the sights_.

"You really don't have to go through all this trouble just for me."

Bilbo's voice echoed throughout the large mines, but even with his voice bouncing off the walls, it still fell on deaf ears. Or should he say, dwarf ears. Though, considering the situation, it was all the same whatever way you slice it.

"It's no sweat off our backs, lad," Balin replied."We wouldn't even have all this if it weren't for you."

Several cheers of agreement came from the Company of Dwarves, who had all decided that Bilbo needed the grand tour. Now, that wouldn't be a very unpleasant thing if it weren't for the fact that Erebor was well... rather big. And, by rather big, he meant large enough to fit all of Hobbiton with room to spare.

With a frustrated sigh, Bilbo finally gave in and with a wave of a hand, continued on through the mines.

"Well, carry on then."

* * *

_If you see the sights, then they'll insist that you have a place to stay._

"Now this is just too much!" The hobbit's voice was clear and in quite a shock, just as the rest of him. "I can't possibly stay in such an extravagant place."

And that's exactly what it was, extravagant and over the top. There was gold, silver, and jewels encrusted into what seemed to be every inch of the large bed chambers. If he knew his dwarves even as half as much as he thought he did, then the rest of the rooms were just as bad.

"Nonsense!" It was Gloin that protested the fastest but not the loudest. "Nothing is too good for our burglar!"

Bilbo opened his mouth to continue to voice his displeasure when he caught Balin's eyes. They were twinkling with amusement and it made Bilbo want to stomp his feet and throw a fit that would make his many nephews proud. But he didn't, because no matter how much these infuriating dwarfs tried to squeeze it out of him, he was still rather respectful. And respectful, gentle hobbits did not go around throwing temper tantrums like a little fauntling. No, not even if it was for a perfectly good reason.

Like the never ending thick-headedness of dwarves.

"I would cut your losses while you can, lad," Balin's voice was just as amused as Bilbo knew it would be, even more so, really. It was absolutely irritating. Especially when he knew that the old dwarf was right. And so, with a tired sigh, he gave in without much of a fight. Choose your battles and what not.

"Fine, but the solid gold bed has to go."

* * *

_If you have a place to stay, then they'll most likely want to help you settle in._

"No, no, no that just won't do!"

Bilbo was not too sure whose mouth these words left from but at the moment he was much too frazzled to care. There were dwarves everywhere! It felt like hundreds of them were running in and out of his living quarters and carrying a different piece of furniture. But really, it was only thirteen. His thirteen.

When one would come in and set some new solid gold chair (even looking at it made Bilbo's backside hurt, chairs were meant for comfortable reading, not sparkling in a corner) or something of the likes down, another dwarf was quick to pick it back up and carry it back out. Usually muttering something about how the diamonds in the legs would clash with the turquoise of the dining table.

They had him spinning in circles, trying to stop any and all things that were overly extravagant. (Which was everything they brought in.) And he took a moment to regret taking them up on their offer to help. It had seemed so innocent at the time! How was he supposed to know it would cause him to go grey from the stress? He was just about to drop from mental exhaustion when he caught Bifur, Kili, and Dwalin carrying something large through his door.

"W-what! No! You will put that iron maiden back where you found it or so help me-!"

* * *

_When they finish helping you settle in, then they'll probably want to give you house warming gifts._

His dwarves were in denial.

He had tried to explain to them that no, he could not stay in Erebor, but they would not listen to reason. They kept showing up at his temporary living quarters with presents ranging from weapons (Dwalin) to baked goods (Bombur). And he truly did try and refuse them, because no, he would not be staying Erebor, but they would not take no for an answer. They didn't understand why he kept trying to pack his bags, (only for them to be mysteriously unpacked and put away when he turned his back for more than a second, sneaky thief) or why he asked to send a letter to the wizard.

His poor dwarves were going to be so heart broken when he had to leave next spring.

But the dwarves on the other hand understood all too well what was going on, it was quite simple really.

Their Hobbit was in denial.

* * *

_And if you accept their house warming gift then, well, you'll just have to start calling it home now won't you._

"Hey Bilbo, what're you writing?" Kili's head popped over his right shoulder and his brother was quick to follow his example by doing the same to his other shoulder. The hobbit was quick to snap the green bound journal shut, it wasn't ready for the eyes of his dwarves quite yet.

"Nothing," His old bones ached slightly when he stood up much fast. "And what have I said about knocking?"

"I don't know," Kili replied."Something about how cute dwarf princes need not worry about such things?"

"Luckily, we don't have to worry about you falling under that category." His older brother was quick to tease, and of course that sent them bickering away. He took the opportunity to take in the two fine grown dwarves that stood before him.

It had been some sixty some odd years since he opened his rounded door to those two smiling faces and he hadn't regretted it once. The two Durin sons had both grown up so fast; it felt like just yesterday that he was sitting next to their sick bed while they healed from their battle wounds. Kili had finally grown a fine sized beard – not too long or it would get in his way when he used his bow - and was beginning to look more like his uncle every day.

Fili had gained a scar that went from his lip to his right eye. (From a few years back when he was taking down a group of orcs, not that the blond cared any.) He even went as far to say that it made him more attractive; Kili had of course replied that even standing next to an orc couldn't make him look attractive. The prince that Fili once had been was turning into a fine King-to-be; making a warm fondness bloom in Bilbo's chest.

"-ilbo!" Kili's voice broke through his musings, and Bilbo came back to the present with a start. The brothers were both looking at him with their faces twisted in worried and the hobbit felt badly for causing such expressions to form on the young faces.

"W-what?"

"You spaced out there for a moment," Fili answered. "You all right?"

"Y-yes I'm perfectly fine, my boy," He was quick to turn and move towards his book shelf to put his book away for the moment. He'd have to move it later so that no dwarves got any ideas. "You wouldn't happen to know where Frodo has run off to, would you?"

The brothers didn't look convinced in the slightest but they dropped the subject and told him that his nephew had gone to visit the elves while they were still in Erebor. 'Elves' was only said with a small amount of venom, and Bilbo felt quite proud of himself for training that trait almost completely out of them. (He quite liked the elves, much to the dismay of his dwarves.)

"Oh, we almost forgot! Uncle sent us to get you for your party!" Kili's face lit up like he had been told that Bilbo had made a plate of cookies. Bilbo's brows frowned and he huffed because, really, Thorin went overboard this year. His thoughts must have been painted across his face because the brothers were quick to 'reassure' him.

"Don't worry yourself, Bilbo," Kili said as he carefully swung an arm around his shoulders. "The party will be the grandest thing since the one after we reclaimed our homeland!"

"That's what I'm worried about."

"Weren't you the one that kept telling us of the grand parties that the hobbits would throw?" Fili was quick to take his place at Bilbo's other shoulder.

"There's a difference between a party and festival." And truly one of these days he was going to have to give in and admit defeat, but today was not that day.

"Oh, come on Bilbo, let us have our fun." They made their way out of the same rooms that he'd had for over half a century. "It's not every day that our hobbit turns one hundred and eleven."

The door swung shut behind them and Bilbo tried his best to ignore the whisper that echoed in the back of his mind.

* * *

_So remember, if you give your dwarves a mountain, they might not let you leave…_

But really, Bilbo can't find it in himself to mind.


End file.
